Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Who I am

I read a blog post today that really got me thinking. Does this blog fit who I am? If you met me for the first time after reading this blog, would you "know" me, or be surprised?

I'm finding that I'm not putting as much personal life into this blog as I did into my old one. I wanted this blog to be helpful, and full of hints and recipes. I think I'm achieving that. But, sometimes I miss blogging on a more personal level.

So, who am I?

I'm a 30yr old woman. I've been married for 91/2 years to a wonderful and kind man. We have 3 children who are just amazing.

I'm a college graduate. I had worked my dream career by the time I was 25. I would love to go back into the field of veterinary medicine, but can not due to the hours I can work, and my health.

I now work PT as a receptionist. It's not very intellectually challenging, but I work with amazing people.

I'm a mom. Along with that comes all of the insecurities and worries of raising kids. I know that I don't do enough. I know that there are things I need to be doing better. I just can't seem to get those things done. My house is always a disaster. I have to abandon my kids, usually once a day, sometimes less, to take a nap, just so I can function. I tend to turn the T.V. babysitter on more often then I need to.

Fibromyalgia has changed my life. However, I can't let it overpower me. Yes, it's made some things about our daily life change- like the need to take naps- but I need to get over the brain "fog" that comes with it, and move on.

There are so many daily worries. My husband and I have been un or under-employed for many years. We've both worked for the last 2 years at steady jobs, but not amazingly paying ones. Because of the years without work, we are heavily in debt. And the money isn't coming in. We have an appointment with a lawyer to file bankruptcy. It will ruin the next 10-12 years for us, but at least we won't have to worry about buying food, or clothes.

We have amazing support all around us, but it just isn't enough sometimes. We've tried so hard to avoid bankruptcy, but we can't any further. I've lost my sweets business, and that was bringing in a little bit of income that we don't have anymore. Contract work for Mark is slowing down as well, and is random at best. Times are tough, and we all have to make choices.

I just pray that through all of life's changes, that my kids will know that I love them. That I'm not abandoning them when I'm in pain, or my mind is cloudy; causing me to not want to do anything. I pray that they understand that they are my world. They are what makes me get up every morning and do my best. I live for their affection and smiles.

Okay, so this post isn't really me either. The face I usually show to the world is one of optimism. Because this is my life. Because I can't change much of it. Because I love my family, and I really am happy with what I have. So, why dwell on the negative when there is so much positive? I try to do that, but sometimes, the negative has to come out.


  1. Sometimes you have to see optimism is the most unlikely of places. I have been out of work for almost a year and a half. My husbands income has gone down tremendously in the past year. We have had one of our vehicles repossessed. Food and shelter are on the top of our priorities. So as you can imagine, certain bills have gone unpaid. We are also getting sued from a credit card company. Bankruptcy is our light at the end of our tunnel. We can't wait for the day that creditors no longer call. We have had some companies bug our landlord which is illegal I believe. Bankruptcy was scary to us at first. We have been putting it off for awhile, but now we know it is the right choice for us. I see no shame in it. I know our family isn't the first and we will not be the last.
    I can at least say that we have changed our lives considerably and I think for the better. At our high point when my husband and I were bringing in a hefty cash flow, we spent recklessly and in the process taught our kids no values of money. It has become a huge wake up call. Now we are all learning together. It has been tough.
    Our friends and family have been supportive. They tell us their secrets and deals. Great example: We use to love going out to eat at Olive Garden. We always went there for the Chicken Alfredo. Now we buy it at Costco already prepared and toss it in the oven. The noodles are different(penne) but it tastes wonderful! It feeds are entire family of four and we still have leftovers and costs just as much as it would have for one person at the restaurant. You can purchase Olive Garden's dressing at the restaurant, and prepare your own salad at home for that authentic feel.
    As some of the other things go, I can relate to the fog as well. I hope my kids know I love them. There are some days that I just want/need to vegitate. For years I have been plagued with muscle soreness. I have tight muscles filled with knots. I always attributed them to my jobs. I was in the Navy, so I always thought it was due to rigorous exercise. When I got out of the military, I became a waitress so I could have more flexible time to spend with my kids. I always thought that being on my feet for up to 8 hours a day and carrying a tray all day led to my muscle issues as well. I even had maxed out my physical therapy benefits. Now that I have been out of work for 1 1/2 years, I am still plagued with these symptoms but there is nothing to "blame" them on. Now I have no more medical insurance as I have no job. {wish me luck on finding a job with health benefits!:) }
    Try to find comfort in knowing we are all in the same boat. Some may be larger or smaller.. the waters are a little rougher in some places...but it all turns out ok at the end. And thank God for our family and friends!

  2. I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you guys. I honestly can relate, though. Things have been hard for us financially this past year as well. It's so stressful trying to figure out how we're going to make it every week and I'm so tired of telling the kids 'no' every single time they need something new. I feel like I have some big shameful secret when it comes to how much debt we have accumulated. I've been applying for jobs for the last three months with no luck at all. I hope things look up for you guys soon. It sounds like you have your priorities straight in being awesome parents to your kiddos and doing what you need to do. Any time you need somebody to vent with feel free to email me;o)


  3. I know exactly how you feel Krista.. hubby has been out of work and going to school for almost a year and a half.. I quit my job once we married.. and shortly after that he was laid off.. things are sooooo tough! If not for the little I make on graphics we wouldn’t be able to pay our utilities or rent. The jobs around here dont pay well at all so when he does finally get one(probably not till next year) it wont be much money at all.. hopefully his new education will help.. but we might have to move to get better pay. We are also heavily in debt.. but have not filed bankruptcy.. it just stays there.. and we will pay it off at some point.. the calls come in.. makes life stressful..changed out number a few times.. I cant even think of adding children to the mix right now.. but I want some!!! ha ha.. Keep praying Krista! God is where our help comes from.. and He is always so good to provide. We just have to keep the faith. Hopefully there will be better days ahead for both of us! The fibro.. well I don’t even have to tell you about that!! You know how horrid that is.. and it only exaggerates everything else going wrong.. More people need to be real once and a while.. the happy face is good.. but part of being human is the ups and downs.. we all have them whether we admit to it or not. Somemtimes I will be out and see what I think is the perfect family much like the people in my neighborhood they have several new cars.. actually own their home.. dad is in the backyard building a tree house on the weekend. They have five kids with another on the way.. I look at them and think.. wow they have it all.. but maybe they dont.. maybe they have so much debt they cant breathe.. maybe they fight like cats and dogs.. maybe their life isnt as perfect as it looks? Big hugs to you and you will be in my prayers.